Dealing with cancer can be very frustrating. From personal experience, the majority of people want to give advise, yet few people overlook an important factor: the patient needs to vent without any interruptions, opinions, "advise". Facing this disease is very emotional; releasing those emotions is part of the overall healing process. Sadly, few people practice the art of active listening.
If you have a friend, partner, spouse, relative or coworker who is facing this life-changing disease, please try to be as sensitive to the situation as possible. Yes, prayer is an important component to the recovery process; I am an advocate of the power of prayer. Frankly, I would become frustrated when I wanted to talk, and people would respond with, "I am praying for you" or "Pray and the Lord will hear you." Yes, prayers are great, and trusting in God is also critical; however, there are times when all a person wants to do is cry and release all the frustrations while another person listens.
Empathy can be the best "medicine" ... it is like a hug for the soul. It assists the patient in releasing his/her frustrations, fears, anger, and doubts. Being empathetic validates the other person's emotional pain. Not listening and trying to "fix the hurt" can be stifling to the cancer patient. There were days when I wanted to scream because nobody would listen. One day, I called a friend and asked, "Can I please vent for 15 or 20 minutes without you offering any advise?" The friend responded, "Well, if I can't give you my suggestions and advise, why should I listen?" That, dear reader, was like a slap in the face.
Truly listening ... going beyond the spoken words and connecting to the person's emotions ... can truly make a HUGE difference. It has been 18 months since my mastectomy. This long, complex, healing process is still frustrating at times.
Recently, my youngest son visited me. We spent a leisurely day walking along Downtown Napa, and chose a fairly quiet place to eat and talk. After we settled down, my son asked me, "So, Mom, tell me. How are you holding up since your mastectomy? How are you adjusting? And be honest." My heart melted and I was overwhelmed with compassion as my son listened while he held my hand. I was totally honest. I told him how all the post-surgery, unanticipated side-effects had taken its toll on me physically, and sometimes emotionally. After my outpouring of emotions, my son commented, "You know, Mom, Christina Applegate is experiencing similar complications and is having a hard time adjusting, just like you." Those words were magical! A famous actress and I are going through the same hurts, pains, disappointments and adjustments. Earlier that week I had been confined to the house for three days, unable to jog, drive to the grocery store or take my chihuahua for a long walk. Having a person acknowledge me was the emotional medicine I needed.
If you are a cancer patient, try to reach out to a person who truly cares, is compassionate and knows how to listen.
Dear reader, if you are on the listening end, remember that your "shoulder to cry on" and an empathetic ear is the "band aid" that the patient needs.
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