MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

I am truly ecstatic today because my mastectomy inserts arrived from Switzerland. They are made of organic wool that is very soothing to my skin ... almost nurturing.

Many people, including my plastic surgeon, ask me why I opted for mastectomy inserts versus the traditional reconstructive surgery. SIMPLE! I DON'T WANT ANY USELESS PAIN. I've endured enough torture with three major breast cancer operations (including a mastectomy) and a re-incision. My chest area, spanning from my left armpit to the right armpit, has been severely radiated following my 2000 and 2004 operations. Radiated skin is "dead tissue" that has lost its elasticity. Consequently, I am not a candidate for the traditional boob job.

The plastic surgeon explained that there is a risky and very painful procedure that he could perform in mid-July (around seven months after my mastectomy). Because the radiated skin cannot stretch, he would need to remove tissue, skin and fat from my abdominal region. This eight hour operation may not be successful because the radiated skin cannot stretch.

So, why would I want more pain (and potentially lose my life) just for an artificial mammary gland? My birthing days are over. The older men are more worried about their performance, so they'd just overlook this slight imperfection of mine. I no longer wear bikinis, so there's no risk of losing one of my "girls" in the ocean.

I went on a hunt for the appropriate boob for me. I inquired at a variety of prosthetic companies. I searched the Internet for mastectomy products when I finally found an insert that sounded appropriate for me. This mastectomy insert is made from 100% organic. wool. It looks very natural. In fact. earlier today I went to the grocery store and wore a tight-fitting t-shirt to show off my perfect "38's". I received numerous glances from several silver haired wolves.

I am totally satisfied with my organic wool inserts. My only problem is this: I lost my appetite for lamb chops!